Honest Thoughts

These days are really hard.

I feel drained, discouraged, and stuck.  Jonah has been super fussy and there are times where nothing we do seems to help him.  He gets to a point where he's screaming and won't nurse, won't calm down if we hold him, and going outside doesn't calm him down.  And normally the going outside will help him, at least for a little while.

I'm afraid to go anywhere because I know sometimes he's just tired and needs a nap.  And the kid won't nap when we're out and about, except in the car. I don't want to plan play dates because I know I'll be spending most of the time trying to calm him down.  Even trips to the grocery store I try to make quick because by the time we're checking out, he's losing it.

I love Jonah so much.  He's my son and I will always love him.  But when he's screaming constantly, it's sometimes hard to enjoy him.  I just don't know what to do with him.  It breaks my heart to hear him and I feel so helpless.

We've tried two different reflux medications.  I've tried going dairy free. I've tried to wear him more in the ergo.  Nothing seems to help.  The next step the pediatrician gave us, is to try him on a formula for hypoallergenic babies for two to three days.  If that seems to help, she'll run a blood test to try to pinpoint possible allergies.

One problem is that Jonah won't take a bottle.  The pediatrician suggested having someone other than me give him the bottle because he knows he can get food his preferred way from me.  She also suggested trying a different bottle nipple.  Another obstacle, is that every time he takes a bottle (and maybe even more often), I need to be pumping to keep up my supply.  That is going to be a lot of work between force feeding him a bottle, and then spending 20-30 minutes pumping.

And I'm scared that my supply will go down and I'll fail at breastfeeding.  I feel like Jonah and I have worked so hard to get to this point and I don't want to put it in jeopardy.  My goal has been to make it till he is a year old.

But all of this has taught me even more how much I need God and His grace and patience throughout the day.  I say a lot of "Lord help me" and "Lord help Jonah" prayers all day long.  This is just a season, and it will pass.  God will carry me through, and give me the strength that I need.  And I am oh so thankful for that.

love this little boy!