But lately God has brought me to the question of what He wants for us. I've never really prayed about what He wants in terms of number of children, but maybe He wants us to be complete as a family of four. And so I've been praying that He would take away my desire for another baby if that is indeed what He wants for us.
After a few weeks I began to think of Jonah as our last little baby. The last one that I got to carry in my womb, the last one of mine I will get to buy tiny clothes for, the last one I will send off to kindergarten and college. And I began to be okay with that- he could be my last little baby and I wouldn't be sad.
But then another pregnancy announcement came out, and it hit me right in the heart.
It wasn't even someone I know personally, but it brought back all the feelings of "why not me?" I want to find out about that little bean and see it grow, I want to hear that tiny heartbeat, I want the anticipation of finding out if the baby will be a baby brother or baby sister. I want to hold that slimy newborn in my arms and cry the tears over the amazing miracle of a new life.
All of this also makes me feel bad because I have been blessed with two amazing littles, whom I love SO much! There are so many people who struggle with infertility or miscarriages, including family members and close friends. I almost feel guilty for wanting another!
Pregnancy has not come "easy" for us. About nine months and 11 months for each of our kids. We're now at 13 months and God says it's still not time. Jonah will be 15 months next week, and when Noelle was 15 months, I was two months pregnant. I seem to really struggle with learning to trust God's timing- I know His timing is best, but that's so much easier said than believed for me!
For now I'll focus on being a wife and mama to Noelle and Jonah, and pray that God is the satisfaction of my heart.
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