I think my thoughts on it are a bit scattered, but the over all topic struck a chord with me. We have to be vulnerable in order to build relationships. We have to be real, and share the ugly, hard stuff with others. As humans, we need that space where we can be real, and still be loved, even if real means being a complete mess.
2015 was a hard year for me- lots of ups and downs, hopes built up and hopes dashed to pieces. Feelings of jealousy, bitterness that it wasn't my turn. Being frustrated that I couldn't trust God's plan for us. I feel like I'm fairly open about my desires, but maybe not as open about how the ugly side of me comes out.
Another baby may never happen for us. Or it may just not happen the way I thought it would. I'm wanting it and praying for it.
And God is working in me. He has been so gracious to me in the last few weeks (and always!), really drawing me to Him. He has put it on my heart to pray for the many, many friends and family members who are expecting (four of whom are due any day!), and I feel that in doing so, my feelings have shifted more to thankfulness for all these precious lives that God has blessed my friends with. Some are having their first, very prayed for baby, and others are adding baby #3 or #4!
It still weighs heavy on my heart some days. And God keeps bringing me back to Him, and reminding me that only He can make me happy. God is good, and I am SO blessed!
We've finished our third cycle of clomid, which is the extent of what my GYN wanted to do. Since my cycle came on it's own (no medication to induce it last month!), I don't know if that changes anything about what she will want to do next. We may be pursuing things with a reproductive endocrinologist, or maybe just letting things go for now. I'm just praying for lots of wisdom and peace on what to do going forward. And, as always, God holds the future in His hands.
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| hands full, heart full |
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