Friday, September 23, 2016

Wanting It Right Now

Yesterday morning, Noelle woke up and exclaimed "It's the first day of fall!"

Then she looked out the window, turned to me, and said "but where are the colors in the leaves?"

I chuckled to myself as I thought about her 4 year old perception of fall- she thought it was going to change overnight and the trees would be all decked out in their colorful glory when she woke up. She was disappointed that it didn't happen right away, and was not encouraged when I explained that the trees would change color over time.

And the more I think about it, the more I realize that her thoughts on Fall starting right now, are similar to how my desires for a baby have been all about having one right now! It's me saying, come on God, where is my next baby? How is it not time yet? What are we waiting for?

Oh boy, has it been a long season of learning and growing, and coming to realize that God is right here in my infertility teaching me SO much. Disappointment has crept into my heart over and over again in the last two plus years, sadness that makes me want to curl up in bed, to avoid going to church to see all my pregnant friends. When I feel like God is not answering me how I want Him to, I start to think that He is just cold and distant.

But He is so not- He is right here, holding me, calling me to Himself. He's teaching me that He alone should be the desire of my heart. He's humbling me as I realize that my body needs healing and to recover from the damage I've done to myself. He's putting friends in my life who ask the right questions and give me the words and encouragement that I need to hear.

And He's teaching me about life. He alone gives it. I struggle sometimes with our decision to pursue infertility treatment- are we doing the right thing? Spending all this money (our most recent meds involved a co-pay of $440!)? Rushing my kids around as I hurry off to early morning doctor's appointments? Should I just work on recovering and getting a cycle, and then try for a baby?

You know what, in the last few months I've been thankful for social media in a whole new way. After one too many pregnancy announcements on Facebook back in May, I swore off my personal Facebook and Instagram accounts. It just hurt too much to have it pop up when I scrolled through my feed. But I had started to find that there is a whole community of women who are in the trying to conceive world who have created accounts specifically for that- to share their journey, to encourage, to ask questions, and so many of them point people to Jesus.

So, I joined them. I don't share much on my account, but scrolling through and seeing people get their BFP (big fat positive) is so encouraging. And it reminds me over and over again, that God is the giver of life. Whether a pregnancy is through IUI, IVF, embryo adoption, or a surprise positive, it is God. There are too many little babies being born for it to not be God at work.

I read a blog post today about how infertility can and should be used for the glory of God- what a different perspective for me! But it's so true, and it's why I want to share our story. God is at work in my life, stretching and growing me, drawing me to Him in a way that would not be happening if I was not on this infertility journey. I have no idea what will happen, but He alone is God and deserves ALL the glory!

The struggle is still there to trust God, to believe that His timing is right. But today, today I'm trusting His timing and believing that He is enough.

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