Monday, January 26, 2015

Luke & Megan: The Breakups

Part 1 // Part 2

Yes, there was more than one breakup.  So many in fact, that I can't remember how many times we broke up.  And every single one of them was initiated by me.  To this day, I can't really explain why it all happened, but if nothing else, God used those times to affirm for both of us how much we really cared for each other, and taught us a lesson in trusting Him with our relationship.

This is the hard part of the relationship that I don't really enjoy remembering, but it was a big part of our relationship.  My anxiety and doubts were huge, consuming my thoughts and driving me to make decisions that were not based on trusting the Lord.  I know this time in our relationship also drove my family, probably Luke's family, and our friends a tad bit crazy.

summer 2006

During Christmas break of our sophomore year, we had officially been together for just over two months.  Things were good and we got to spend a little bit of time together in Maryland before Luke headed back to campus early for swimming stuff.  Soon after he left, I started to feel that God did not want me with Luke, that I was going against God's plan for my life.  All of this was based on horrible anxiety that would wake me up early in the morning and consume my thoughts.

Initially I attributed it to just missing him since we had gone from seeing each other all the time to being in two different states.  I decided to head up to campus a day early and surprise Luke at a swim meet at Washington and Jefferson.  Even though I am horrible at directions, I managed to find the campus and pool, and arrived just in time to watch Luke swim the 1000 freestyle.  It was an exciting race and he won!  His teammates were standing at the end of the swim lane and told him that I was up in the stands, but he wouldn't believe them.  It was pretty funny when he was finally willing to turn around and saw me sitting up there.

at some dance while at Grove City

We got back to school and hung out for the first few weeks of the second semester, but I just could not shake my anxiety.  Luke and I talked and decided that maybe we would go back to being just friends and wait a bit longer before pursuing a deeper relationship.  Neither one of us was happy with it, but it did help my anxiety to lessen.

The thing was, nothing really changed between us. We hung out all the time, met up for meals, talked about everything.  By the summer after sophomore year, we were officially back together.  We dated all of Junior year, and though it was so much fun being with him at Grove City, I was plagued by the anxiousness and feeling that I should not be with him.  I talked to my roommates, and friends, and parents, and of course Luke, about how I felt.  No one could come up with a good reason for why I felt that way, but encouraged me to stay with him.

I can't even remember the timeline for when the rest of the breakups happened, but the final breakup happened while I was on vacation with my family right before senior year.  One of my best friends, Kristen, was with us at the beach for a few days, and even with her there as a distraction, I was just so distraught over my anxiety.  I remember waking up super early and crying to my mom about how I just wanted the feeling to go away and I just wanted to enjoy being with Luke.


I ended up calling him and telling him that we just couldn't be together.  That God had other plans for him, and that I only wanted him to be happy.  The rest of our vacation was hard for me to enjoy, and when we headed home, I did not even want to think about heading back to Grove City.  It's such a small campus that I knew there was a good chance we'd see each other around.  I begged my parents to let me take a year off, but deep down I knew that was a bad idea.

Thankfully, God was at work, as He always is, and that was not how things ended for us.  I am SO thankful for the people and opportunities that God put in my life while at Grove City.  I had some amazing friends who helped me, sorority sisters who loved me, and family who put up with me when I called them every single night crying my eyes out.  I love that both God and Luke continued to pursue my heart!

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